Meatloaf told us we should love the one we’re with … but that’s uninspiring. How do you not just love the one you’re with, but DESIRE him, long term, in a committed and intimate way? How do you WANT him? Not just today, but for the decades to come?
It seems like Valentine’s Day is as good a day as any to tackle this topic. I encourage you to watch this TED Talk, featuring Esther Perel.
Perel reminds us that we demand a lot of marriage: comfort and familiarity, intimacy and excitement. It’s only in the last century or so that we’ve expected so much from a single relationship … and we’re living longer these days, meaning “happily ever after” can be decades more than your great grandma might have expected.
Perel is honest: toys and lingerie can’t save us from the predictability of married sex. In desire, she says, you tend not to want to go back to where you’ve already been.
As a researcher, Perel asks people (across culture, religion, and gender), “When are you most drawn to your partner?”
Many people say they are most drawn to their partner when she is away: absence and longing are major components of desire. Others say they are drawn to their partners when they are on stage, or talking animatedly to others: in other words, they are drawn to their partners when they see them behaving confidently, when others are attracted to their personality.
“Mystery,” she says, quoting Proust, “is about seeing the same with new eyes.” It is finding the mysteries that are living right next to you.
The final group of people says they are drawn to their partners in novel situations: when he’s wearing a tux, when she breaks out an old pair of cowboy boots. Novelty isn’t about new positions or new toys: it’s about creativity and attraction.
So how do you take advantage of this research? Create anticipation. It’s something you can cultivate through absence,playfulness, imagination, creativity, novelty. Turn yourself on. Figure out what makes you feel alive and maybe a little mischievous: generate healthy desire within yourself, and your partner will likely find it too.
Also – best line from the video: Foreplay doesn’t start five minutes before sex. It pretty much starts at the end of the last orgasm.
Chocolate candies in a heart shaped box may make her smile … they are unlikely to make her toes curl. Good luck with that tonight.